Finding the Comfort

Every day, at some point, I think about my career choice. I struggle with what I have chosen to do and with who I want to be in my future. I want to be the best doctor I can be. I want to make the lives of those in pain easier. I want to see those little children with their eyes lit up with the excitement of a potential recovery. And strange as it may sound and hard as it will be, I am sure that when I lose that first patient, that first child, I will appreciate all that they will have brought in my life and made me feel. I don't want to be a doctor because I want money. I want to be a doctor because people are so unique, so incredible in their humanity that I want to see it everyday. I also want to get married. Contrary to what I always say about not wanting to get married, I really do. I want the life my parents have. I want to have a family even though it scares the...living daylights out of me. And I know that I can have both of those things. I know I can be a doctor and get married and have a family all in one. But that doesn't mean that I have any clue as to how I will be able to do it.

Often, when I tell people I want to attend medical school, I see something change in their eyes and I know exactly what is coming. The way they regard me is either confirmed or it does a complete 180. The looks and remarks I have received over the years have been nothing short of remarkable. While there are many who are supportive and who tell me that I should do what I feel is right for me, there are still those who adhere to the stereotype and expectations for me to marry and have a family. Today, most of the questions make me laugh. But initially (sometimes still) it was painful and hard to hear them. Some ask if I want a family or if I "even want to get married at all." Another question, probably the most hurtful of all, is if I feel comfortable taking the spot of a man who will need to support his family when all I have to support is myself and I could do so in some other profession.

My answer to this question in particular is always the same, calm and rehearsed answer. I say, "yes, I will take his spot. If he is not qualified enough to deserve it, I will take it so I can support myself and enjoy a career that I am passionate about." But I want to scream at them. I want to say "How DARE you question my passion, commitment, and above all, my ABILITY as a WOMAN to do as good a job as a man!? How dare you demean me and make me feel insecure about something that is a struggle every day of my life? I have a hard enough time reconciling who I know I need to be with what I want more than anything in this life, so don't you DARE EVER compare me to a man again."

My mother is one of the best, most intelligent women I have ever known. I respect her and my father above politicians, CEOs, world leaders, and just about everyone else on this planet. She is extremely well educated and is well informed in world and community issues. She taught me how to read, how to love, and introduced me to the good things in life. Her choice to stay at home and be a mother and teach her children is the one that has affected me the most in my life. She has never doubted me and always encouraged me in whatever I wanted to do. She is a homemaker and what she does is the HARDEST job on earth. The career path I have chosen will be difficult, but what she does everyday outshines and outstrips whatever I choose to do. I can only hope that one day I can be what she is to me to someone else. If I can do that with my family, even better. But one thing that I love about her is that she doesn't expect me to be her. She tells me to be who I want to be as long as I am a good person. I don't know if what I am saying here is contradictory to what I said above. It might be, but I just wanted to say that what I choose to do and be is my decision. And in my personal opinion, what a woman chooses to do or be is between her and whatever God she worships, not her and some stereotype that people expect. As of right now, I see that what I am doing is right and nothing will change that.